Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
