Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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