Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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