is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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