When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
