I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
