I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
