He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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