Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
