I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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