how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i just sent this text using only my big toe
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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