So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
