I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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