Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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