you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
