Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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