You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
