i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I smell like Dick and happiness
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
