in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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