My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
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