my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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