It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
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I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
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We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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