Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
accomplished twins. life is a go
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
