im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
