Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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