I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
