life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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