if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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