just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
God, I missed his penis.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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