So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
