I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
