I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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