I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
