It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
