I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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