you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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