Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
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I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
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You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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