a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
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