8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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