He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
