The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
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