does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
