need another drink. this is the easiest way
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Randomize
