its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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