I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
