All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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