i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
