I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
