TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
