I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
