She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
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Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
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I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail