wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.