i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.