You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
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