btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
